Trying not to remember
by Emmel1118
Summary: Just a little story. Hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Trying not to remember **

Jac walked into her office and sat down, sighing. She'd had a long day, full of difficult patients and not enough coffee to top it all off. She turned her computer on and stared at her reflection in the screen. She looked tired,_ I must try harder to sleep_, Jac thought, but then she knew why she wasn't sleeping, no! She wouldn't think about it. She glanced down at the paperwork on the desk and shook her head. Sahira's writing was almost impossible to read. She got up to track Ms Shah down.

A flustered and angry Sahira marched into Jac's office, why the hell had she made her rewrite the whole report? Sometimes Sahira wondered if Jac got her enjoyment from watching other people suffer, she didn't seem to do anything else. She slammed the report down on the desk, upsetting a folded, crumpled piece of paper that fluttered to the ground. Sahira crouched down and picked it up, unfolding it she saw that it was a photograph. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" Jac stormed, furiously in to the office. She snatched the photo from Sahira's hands. "Who is he?" Jac shook her head. "Please leave." The photo was crumpled up in Jac's palm. Sahira shook her head and spoke. "My rewritten report's on your desk." Jac nodded. Sahira looked back on her boss, realising that there was more to Jac than her steely exterior.

Jac un-crumpled the photo and smoothed it out. She folded it up and placed it back in the draw, where it belonged. She leant her head on the cool desk in front of her and tried to think of something different, something more important, more worth her thinking power but her brain decided that toady was the day where she couldn't get away from it. He was everywhere, she thought she saw him everywhere; she had little reminders of him, like the photo. She knew why today, as well, it wasn't just a random day; it was 3 years since- no! She wouldn't think about it, she couldn't think about it because then her walls would start to crumble around her and didn't want that to happen. She couldn't let her shield down even if it was for him, she never could, could she, well not until it was far, far too late. Somehow she had started thinking about it, and she inwardly cursed herself.

Sahira strode back into the office. "I can't believe you're…." She trailed off realising that the office was empty. She went over to the desk and collapsed into the chair, needing the rest. Curiously Sahira grasped that Jac didn't have a single sentimental thing on her desk, not pictures, not a single thing that wasn't work related. She glanced over at Elliot's desk; she could see the backs of photo frames from here. Sahira pulled open the top draw on Jac's desk and was welcomed with lots of reports and patient records. She shook her head and opened the second draw. There was the photo from earlier, smoothed out and placed in the draw carefully. There was another photo, this time framed, in the draw. It was the same man as in the other photo but instead of being alone, he was holding a baby. He was smiling but Sahira noted that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. There was also a pager lying at the bottom of the draw. Sahira flipped it on to its side, and was shocked when she saw that the name on the side wasn't Jac's, but a man's name, Joseph Byrne, it read. Sahira raised her eyebrows and made the link that the man in the photos was most probably Joseph Byrne. She put the pager down and shut the draw. She stood up and left the room.

Jac ambled into the room, almost on auto-pilot. She sat down, gratefully in the seat behind her desk. She had just dealt with a particularlary hard operation where there had been several bleeds. She was thinking through what had happened when subconsciously she reached out her hand and opened the second draw and she picked out the pager. She swivelled the pager in her fingers, before lying back and putting it on the desk. One day she would have to think about it, his departure, and all the interlocking emotions that came with it, love, guilt, happiness, sadness too. Emotions that she didn't want to remember, because there was so much hurt attached to all of them, love the most. She had hurt the man she loved so much, but he would always be the man she loved, whether she could think about him or not. There would never be anyone else.

**Hope it's good. It's just a oneshot at the mo but might expand to multipart if anyone thinks I should. **


	2. Chapter 2

**I had loads of ideas for where this fic could go: got lots of inspiration from CharlieSpike18. Thanks for your reviews.**

Chapter 2

Jac had had another bad day, well not quite as bad as yesterday because….she refused the thought any space in her head again. She breathed in, and for a moment her guard was down,_ what the hell, I can't break myself any more than I already am, can _I? She thought, but then Sahira came in and she pulled her walls back up. "What is your fixation with my bad handwriting?" Sahira was furious, close to exploding. "Maybe it's not good enough, I mean three year olds writing would better than that!" Jac exclaimed. He would be three soon, no, she closed that pattern of thought off, she couldn't think about either of them. The two of them just stood and sat there, in Jac's office.

"Who is he? Joseph Byrne?" Sharia's question had come out of nowhere, and Jac froze. "None of your business! How the hell do you know about him?" Jac said, her voice shaking wildly. Tears were pricking at her eyelids now. "That picture, that was him, wasn't it?" Sahira asked, pressing even further. "That baby, he's not yours is he?" Sahira said, just thinking of the idea. "What baby?" Jac said sharply. "The baby in the photo." Sahira asked trying to get a straight answer out of Jac. Jac shook her head. "Harry isn't my son." She fought of the temptation to say 'but he should have been'. "No, that…" She trailed off, why was she telling Sahira this? "Please leave." Jac commanded. "No, not until you tell me who he was and what he was to you." Jac shook her head. No, she wouldn't tell her, she could barely think about it. "What if I can't?" The whisper escaped Jac's lips before she could stop it. "What if you can't what?" Sahira said, confused. Jac shook her head, the only thing that she could do, without revealing anymore to Sahira. _Maybe I should talk about it_? Jac thought. "You're married, aren't you? What does love feel like?" Sahira was shocked by the turn in conversation. "I don't know, you just can't explain it, you…just know when you're in love. There's been no one you've ever felt that way about?" Jac just sat there as Sahira said her words. "There was someone…special once. I went and mucked it up good and proper didn't I?" Jac didn't know why she was telling Sahira this but it felt…good to be telling someone after all these years. "I haven't seen him in 3 years though so…" She trailed off again, not knowing what to say. "Is he the man in the photos, Joseph Byrne?" Sahira asked, finally understanding a bit more about Jac. She nodded. "I'm broken without him, but I'm toxic, Sahira I hurt the people I love or they hurt me so I broke him when I was with him." Jac was almost crying by this point. "Do you know what it did to me, seeing him for years with this look in his eyes, like a little lost puppy, I did that to him, made him cynical, I made him unable to trust a woman again, and he treated me like a piece of dirt, well I did deserve it, it hurt so much sometimes to see him like that, He never called me Jac, it was always Ms Naylor. And do you know what the worst thing was? I could of saved him from all the years hurt if I'd not been such an idiot, such a career driven idiot, such a scared little idiot. They say you know what you've got till it's gone; well it's true, with me at least. I am just the spare parts daughter and all!" Sahira didn't get the last part. She went to speak. "Don't ask about the last part." She said forcefully. "Why were you so scared?" Sahira questioned. "I was scared of love, no, scared of loving him because he loved me back. No one had ever loved me back so I just assumed he would hurt me or leave me like they all do, the ones I love. I was such an idiot, if I could have opened my heart for him, let him in, but I didn't and for the next few years we both denied our feelings, then I told him, that I loved him and he rejected me for _her_. It doesn't matter what happened after that except he finally got over the hurt I caused him and I finally let him in, fully and with no gain on my part apart from the fact that I'd be happy. Then he left here, me but not my heart so…" She trailed off._ I want him back more than anything but it's been three years, three long years_, Jac thought as Sahira left the office. It took Jac a couple of seconds to realised she was crying.

**Hope it's good. Should I continue? I won't continue if it's not good.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Jac was alone in the staffroom, making herself a coffee. She was thinking about work, patients but really she was trying not to think about him. Since she had emptied her heart on Sahira, she had felt a bit happier, not much but it was a start. Jac's coffee had finished cooling down, and she sat down at the table, nursing the drink. Jac laid down her head on the table in front of her, thinking about him: the first time she saw him, him in the lockdown, him after Harry was born, happy memories of him. Then one memory swam in front of her eyes. "Come away with me." He had said, no! This particular memory hurt way too much to think about, even as she tried to rid it from her vision, he spoke again. "I love you too." The memory had skipped to the end, the heart-breaking conclusion, Joseph telling her that he loved her, just before he had left Jac in tears.

Michael and Sahira walked in, talking in hushed voices. "What's up the Termi-Naylor?" Michael quipped. Jac had been resting her head on the table. "Have you been crying Naylor?" Michael asked, this time with actual concern in his voice. "No!" She said, frantically trying to wipe the tears away. "Yes you have! What's up?" Michael was getting more annoying than normal. "Just shut up and get on with your job!" Jac snapped back.

She kept thinking she saw him everywhere, the back of his head there, his eyes there, but it was never him. She clung to a hope that one day, when Harry was older, he would come back, but then her other fears came back. _What if he doesn't want me in 5 years' time?__What if, what if_, the thoughts reverberated around her head. She had to cling to a bannister to keep her balance as the memories came flooding back but this time she shoved them forcefully from the forefront of her mind. "Jac, you're wanted on Keller; they've got a patient with heart complications." Johnny said, as he walked up the stairs, towards her. "You alright Jac?" "Will people stop asking me if I'm alright?" She shouted at Johnny.

She had managed to finish her shift without thinking about him again. She climbed onto her motorbike and drove away from the hospital. She loved being on the bike, all her fears and worry's and memories evaporated into nothingness, but not today. The memories were to strong today, they wouldn't go away. As she sped down the road the memories came back. Getting drunk and sleeping with him, thinking she was pregnant, him kissing her outside maternity 1, and all the other small memories of him she held. Without realising it she had got home. She jumped off the bike and went into the house.

She sat there frozen. She had been rooting around in her draw for a post-it note when she had discovered a photograph. She was in it this time, with him. They both look happy; they'd made each other happy. It had been taken after Harry's birth and he was in Jac's arms, tightly bundled up in a blanket. She hadn't thought about that day for a long while. Faye had gone the day before and left Harry with his father and Joseph had brought Harry round to her house. They had gone out in the garden for some reason or another and then Joseph decided to take a photo of them, his little family; but Jac had ruined his dream of a little family, wife, son, dog as he had put it. Not a day went by when she thought about what could have been, what, if she was brutally honest, should have been, but she had been too scared, too scared of what might of been.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Jac walked into work the next day, late. "Ms Naylor, we're so glad you could make it." The familiar drawl of Hansen voice came from in front of her. "Well at least I'm here, aren't I?" Jac snapped back. She had not had a good night's sleep; she'd kept tossing and turning. She hadn't had a good night sleep since she had shared her bed with _him_. It had gotten easier to think about it, it still hurt though, but Jac was getting used to the idea that thinking about it could help her move on, not that she ever would.

Johnny was talking to Mo, when Jac walked over to them. "Am I interrupting anything?" Jac butted into their conversation. "No, we were just talking about Ben." Ben was Mo two year old son. "Want to see a picture?" Mo asked. Jac was reminded of the day that Sasha had tried to make her see a picture of Daniel. Jac shook her head. "Shame." Mo said. "Though I didn't think you were a baby kind of woman." When anyone mentioned babies she thought about Harry. She shoved the thought to the back of her mind; she couldn't get to the end of the shift with thoughts of him swirling around her head.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The husband of her patient, Jenny Daniels had just exploded in Jac's face. "You cannot have a heart…" He was going to add something else when his wife interjected. "Karl, Karl calm down!" She shouted. His words had stung her, she didn't have a heart, and how could she after all she had done to Joseph? But then again she knew she had one because she had fallen in love. _Jac Naylor is in love_. It still felt strange thinking the words, but it was a hell of a lot easier than denying her feelings, bottling them up, she knew that, she had tried. "I mean it, what the hell is wrong with you? How can you just tell someone they just lost a baby with so little emotion?" Karl shouted. Jac hung her head. She had just been her normal self, separating emotion and job.

_**Joseph **_

Joseph banged the steering wheel,_ come on stupid cars move_, he thought. He was stuck in traffic just a 3 minute drive from his house. Finally the car in front of him moved and Joseph eased the car forward. He got home about 2 minutes later. He had just had a long day at work, he had also had to go and pick Harry up early because his child-minder had become sick. It had been a hard day.

He slotted the key into the lock and turned it. The lock clicked open. He walked into the house, with Harry asleep in his arms. He leant down and picked up the letters on the mat, he skimmed through them, looking in vain for one with the Holby postmark. Even though it was close to impossible that she would have sent him a letter after all this time, he still hoped. She probably has moved on, this was the only thought that comforted him, because if she had moved on then she would be happy. He knew in the deep depths of her heart that he would never move on from her though. Ever since he had had arrived here he had been asked out by lots of woman, even the child hadn't put some of them off. He just couldn't go out with any of them, because the one time he had, he felt so guilty the whole evening as it felt like he had been betraying Jac. The evening had led nowhere, like Joseph had known it would of. The truth was that Joseph Byrne was broken without her.

He put Harry, carefully, down into his bed and kissed him goodnight. "Night, night Harry." Joseph whispered in the dark. "Night, night Dada." Harry replied. Joseph slowly backed out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar so that some light could filter in. He went and sat down on the sofa. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb, he was tired, and the reality was he couldn't have a proper night's sleep without her beside him, knowing she was alright. God he missed her, and there was nothing he could do about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**A big thank you must go to everyone who has reviewed this story! Thanks! **

Chapter 5

**Joseph**

"Daddy, Daddy!" Harry ran down the stairs. "Daddy!" He called and Joseph got up from the sofa, where he had fallen asleep the night before. "Daddy, breakfast!" He shouted. Joseph went over to the cupboard and pulled out bowl. "Daddy, why are you crying?" Harry asked. Joseph lifted his hand and wiped the tears away. "Daddy's not crying, Harry." Joseph replied softly. "Lying isn't right Daddy." Harry said with a large shake of the head. "Is it Jam?" Joseph smiled as his son said Jam. Harry had somehow got into his head that Jac was Jam. "Is it Jac what?" Joseph asked Harry. "That's making you cry. Last night I came down stairs and you were crying and you were looking at a picture of her." Harry asked. Joseph was amazed by his son's knowledge. Joseph had explained to Harry who Jac was and Harry had grasped that the subject was sad for Joseph. "Come on Harry you're going to be late." Harry attended a nursery near the surgery, but it shut on Tuesdays so Harry was looked after a child-minder. Today was Wednesday so he would be going to nursery.

Joseph was in his office, completing some paper work when his telephone rang. "Yes, Dr Byrne, Patford House Surgery, how can I help?" Joseph said. He had had an easy day, and it was days like these that he missed the rush and excitement of surgery the most. "Mr Byrne, we've had a call from the Nursery about Harry. Some of the other children were calling him names and one of the people wants to talk about it. Can you go now?" The receptionist told Joseph. The moment he'd been told he was trying to work out why they'd been calling Harry names. "That's fine, I've only got paperwork."

"I'm sorry for bringing you here but I thought we should talk about what happened, earlier today we took part in circle time, today we had to tell the rest of the circle about our parent's jobs. When it got to Harry he said you are a doctor but that he's never met his mum. We all thought he'd finished when he said that Jam was a doctor too. Later in the day the boys were saying that Harry didn't have a mummy all he had was a pot of Jam. This made Harry upset. He was saying something about his daddy not liking it when you talk about Jam like that. He got very upset." Joseph smiled a sad smile. "I don't want to pry but where is Harry's mother and who is Jam?" The head of the nursery asked. "Harry's mother isn't very well, not well enough to look after Harry. Jam isn't her name, Harry just calls her that. Her name is Jac and she is a doctor." Joseph replied. He had tried to keep his life here separate from his old life in Holby. "And why does she make you sad?" The woman asked. "I used to work with Jac and…stuff happened. I asked her to come here, with us but, well, if you have ever met Jac you'll understand, she didn't accept. So we came here and I miss her. That's why it makes me sad because… I love her and I realised too late that you cannot hide love forever, we both did." Joseph hadn't talked about Jac to anybody but Harry since he had got here.

Joseph was at home with Harry and his lap. "Daddy, stop tickling." Harry shouted. "I want to look at the pictures!" Harry asked and Joseph stopped tickling the boy. Harry pointed to a picture. "Who's that?" Joseph looked at the picture. It was of Elliot and Jac. "That's Elliot, and that's-"Harry cut him off. "I know Jam." Harry said. "Was Jam nice?" Harry asked. Joseph nodded his head. "She was lovely. Now bed time Harry."

He had put Harry to bed and had come downstairs. Today had been the day when he couldn't get Jac off his mind, not that he ever could with Harry asking all the time about her. He heard the floorboards creaking on the stairs. "Daddy?" Harry whispered. "Yes, Harry?" Joseph asked wearily. "Can we go and see Jam tomorrow?" Harry asked sweetly. "Maybe at the weekend." Joseph said. Harry had started jumping up and down in excitement. Harry always asked this question and Joseph always said no, but well today had made Joseph realise that he could live without her for much longer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hip hip hooray Chapter 6 is here! Sorry for the long wait but I've been busy with stuff!**

Chapter 6

It had been another long day for Jac. She was looking forward to getting a cup of coffee and sitting down on a chair, as she'd been on her feet for the past couple of hours. She swung the staffroom door open. There was a little boy sitting on one of the chairs, a colouring book in front of him, and he was frantically scribbling with an orange crayon. Her mind raced, who at work has children? Sahira, Sasha, Chrissie, that was it. It must be Daniel; Sahira's kids were too old. The boy looked up and he stood up, making the chair squeak loudly. "Jam!" He shouted. The boy attached himself to an extremely puzzled Jac's leg. _Why the hell had he just screamed Jam at me_? Jac thought. Was it Daniel or is it someone else? Then he tilted his face and Jac saw his eyes and she froze. This boy had his eyes. It couldn't be could it? "Jam do you want to see my drawings." Jac was still frozen to the spot. "Harry?" She managed to splutter out. The boy nodded. "Where's daddy?" Jac asked, holding her breath for the answer. "Well he was talking to the big scary man and then he was going to look for you, but I've found you first!" He said. Jac let him lead her to the table.

Joseph came out of Hansen's office full of hope. He walked down the corridor to Darwin. _Nothing changes, does it_? He thought. He scanned the ward, but he couldn't see her_. Please don't tell me she's left_, he thought. He went up to the first person he saw, it was a man with short brown hair. "Can I help you?" The man asked in a Scottish accent. "Yes, I'm looking for Jac Naylor. Do you know where she is?" Joseph asked the man. "Well about an hour ago she went into the Staffroom and I haven't seen her leave. You might find her there. You are?" The man answered. "Joseph Byrne, ex-colleague." Joseph said, before walking off, in the direction of the staffroom.

Jac was staring down at the coloured drawings, helping Harry keep inside the lines. "You're a natural." The voice shocked Jac in two ways, one she had not been expecting it, and two it was his voice. The boy on her lap sprang up and sprinted towards his father. "Look who I found Daddy!" Jac looked up and there he was, almost three years to the day since she last saw him. Jac stood up. "Jac, still beautiful as always." Joseph said. "All you have to say is that you've moved on, that you've got someone else and I'll leave." Joseph said. Jac shook her head. "I meant what I said, love is love and it doesn't just go away, we both have learnt that. I haven't moved on, I couldn't move on. There was someone, his name was Johnny, I liked him. We had a… thing, once. It made me realise even more that I love you, because every time I was with him, I was always comparing him to you, and no one could be better than you." Jac said her voice unsteady. "But why after three years, Joseph, why?" Jac asked, her voice wobbling alarmingly. "I told Harry about you, told Harry I love you, Harry knew talking about you made me sad, so every day before bed he would ask me he same question. Can we go and see Jam tomorrow? Jam is what he calls you, by the way. I always said no, I was scared…scared you reject me. The other day, they had to go round the circle in Harry's nursery and tell the others what ther parents do. He said I was a doctor and that he had never met his mother. He also added that Jam was a doctor too. The other children made fun of him after that. I got called in and I had to explain all about Faye and you and it made me realise that I can't stay away for much long. So when Harry asked me on Wednesday if we could go see you tomorrow I said maybe on the weekend. So here we are. Hansen's given me a job, flexible hours, I just wish he could have let me have these hours three years ago, it would of saved a hell of a lot of hurt. Are you going to let me back in?" Joseph asked. Jac drew a breath and then spoke…

**I'm going to be mean and leave it here, you'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out if she lets him in or rejects him. What do you want to happen? **


	7. Chapter 7

**This is the last chapter. It's a different style to how I usually write but it just happened to sound better this way, just bear with me if I suddenly change tense! I will try and get it right but I might just miss it. If you notice any mistakes, don't hesitate to point them out, I'll be very grateful! Time to see if Jac let him back in…**

Chapter 7

The man stands at the altar waiting for his woman to come. He fiddles with his tie for the sixth time that afternoon; it is an action that comforts him. He is nervous but happy and now when he smiles it reaches his eyes. He is still amazed that the woman he is waiting for said yes to his proposal. He always thought that she would never be the sort to tie herself to one man; well he never thought she'd say those three little words but she did, so he shouldn't underestimate her emotions. Just because she doesn't show them doesn't mean there were not there at all.

He thinks back to his first wedding day and the disaster it became. He learnt so much that day, so many painful things and it was the first time that he really realised that he didn't love the woman who had just become his wife. It was when the text came that it hit him. She had changed, they both had and her for the better. Before she would have never said the words she uttered. Why couldn't they have saved themselves the years of hurt, why couldn't she have saved them the years of hurt? He doesn't mind now, all he minds is that she is his again.

A small boy tugs at his father's sleeve. "Daddy, when's Jam coming?" The man smiles at the boy's enthusiasm. "Soon." He whispers and the boy lets go of his sleeve, nodding. He loves his son and his son has accepted her into their lives like nothing out of the ordinary. He has also coped with the terrifying ordeal of moving, or as he put it: coming home. He will be forever grateful to Harry for this, but he had told Harry all about her before, now he can see her first hand. Her, she has taken to it better than he expected, well he didn't know what to expect, but she dotes on Harry. She loves him like her own.

In the front row his eyes pick out a man, a woman and a boy, a family. He smiles as the boy is told off for fidgeting. The boy just smiles and glances at his father, who is giving him the biggest smile. Daniel has obviously inherited his father's calm and lovable nature. He looks around to see a woman and a girl. The girl is a splitting image of her mother; he can't believe all the old faces who have turned up to the wedding, Connie and Grace, Sasha, Chrissie and Daniel, Sahira, Rafi and their children, Elliot and many more. His sister is sitting in the middle of the church, looking happy, with her sons surrounding her. His mother hasn't turned up, and of course her mother hasn't, he doubts her mother even knows her eldest child is getting married. His mother disapproves of their relationship, even when they turned up and tried to show that she had changed, for the better.

The music starts up and she starts down the aisle. She looks so beautiful; holding onto Elliot's hand, Elliot is the stand in father, because she never has met her's. Her hair is swept up, magnificently, in to a delicate bun. The dress she is wearing is simple, not overdone. She looks stunning, and she is his. "Daddy, she looks amazing." Harry marvels. He nods, not trusting his own voice, he is too full of pride, and longing and relief that he is finally marrying her, her, the woman he has always loved, that he will always love.

She had arrived next to him and he takes her delicate hand in his. "Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered today to join in holy matrimony, this man and this woman." The vicar says (**Is this what happens at wedding's? I've only been to one and I can't remember it, to be fair I was 6!)** "Jacqueline Elizabeth Naylor do you take Joseph Charles Mortimer to be you're lawfully wedded husband?" The vicar asks. "I do." Jac manages to say. "And do you, Joseph Charles Mortimer Byrne take this woman to be you're lawfully wedded wife?" The vicar asks. "I do." Joseph says confidently. "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you my kiss the bride." The vicar announces. Joseph looks at his wife, Jac, his wife. "Make it a good one, my husband." Jac whispers before he kisses her.

They are finally happy.


End file.
